Carrot
by Spiked Jin
Summary: There are some things in life that you just can’t have. It’s more painful when it’s dangled right in front of your eyes. A short introspection from Asahina Mikuru’s perspective. Warning: Anime spoilers abound.


Preamble: Just a little something I thought up after finishing the anime series. I haven't read the novels so this is all based off the anime. As such I've played around with a few things to fit this little what-if.

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Again. It's happening all over again.

_No, I can't think like that. It's just the way things are. I still have a job to do._

But it still hurt, even Mikuru could admit that to herself. She understood that sometimes you simply had to make sacrifices for your work. And sometimes you have to sacrifice even more to protect something you love…or someone.

Asahina Mikuru had a tough job, it's never easy to protect the world from imminent danger after all. It was especially difficult if you were assigned to watch over Suzumiya Haruhi and had to make sure that she always stayed satisfied with the world. Her eccentricity wasn't infamous for nothing. For Mikuru, there was also quite a deal of personal embarrassment involved. It wasn't her idea to be pranced around in fetish costumes for all the world to see.

_But it was fun to see the maid outfit again. I still can't believe I used to fit in that. _Mikuru thought as she walked away from the clubroom she had spent most of her high school afternoons in. _And Kyon-kun too, he's just like I remembered. Even his cute embarrassed reaction was the same._

Mikuru could feel the blood rushing to her face as her blush came back. It had been an innocent mistake, she'd just lost track of the time for a second. In her desperate attempt to make Kyon-kun believe her she had volunteered a bit too much information…and a bit too much skin. Well, it wasn't like he'd never seen her…exposed… like that before.

She let out a little sigh as she thought back to the time she was now in. Things really had been exciting in these first few months. She'd been terrified of Suzumiya-san at first. It wasn't an everyday occurrence to be abducted, groped and then forced into an unnamed club. And it had only gotten worse once she started using Mikuru for her plans. But through it all there was always something positive for Mikuru to hold onto. Something that she could believe was for her.

_Kyon-kun…_

His gentle care had been her lifeline through those harrowing adventures. It had been her compensation for having to publicly embarrass herself. No matter how devastated she was after each mishap, there was always a comforting set of arms ready to help her stand back up. Even if he hadn't really protected her the first few times with the costumes, he was still there for her. And that was all Mikuru needed to keep going on.

Or so she had thought.

She had been joking when she asked if Kyon-kun would take her in if Suzumiya-san ruined her for marriage. But it had still reflected her repressed desires. It was a futile effort really. There really isn't too much suspense when you're time traveling from the future into the past. Even if she hadn't been given all the information about what would happen after she first got there, she still knew enough to know that Kyon-kun was a special person to Suzumiya-san.

_It just wasn't fair! He was always so kind to me. Always looking out to make sure that I didn't have to suffer too much. _Mikuru sped up her pace as she went. Partly to make sure no one else saw her in her older form, partly to try and stop the flow of tears threatening her eyes.

It wasn't a new subject for her even if it had been a while since the SOS Brigade days. But her job was still surveillance, and to a lesser extent indirect prevention. It wasn't her place to meddle in the past, especially when she knew the ramifications of what she wanted. She simply disliked the feelings that were brought up when she started thinking like this. She felt too much like one of those race horses during their practice runs. A carrot set in front of her eyes by the jockey, letting her see what she wanted, but keeping it out of her reach.

No, she shouldn't think of Suzumiya-san like that. She was one of her best friends, a dear part of some of the best times of her life. Mikuru still couldn't fully squash the feelings of envy or jealousy though. How could she when Suzumiya-san got everything she wanted? But then she never would have met Kyon-kun if it weren't for Suzumiya-san. Wouldn't have been able to hang on to some of his excess warmth and affection.

_And I wouldn't have had an excuse for those unreasonable requests so I could see him again like this._

Mikuru stopped a second and let the flutter in her heart slow down. Now she really understood what reliving the past felt like. Her brief encounter with Kyon-kun again had been like a dream. He had been so casual after his initial shock over her appearance. And through it all he had been as kind and understanding as always. He'd even shyly asked for her real age again. She couldn't suppress the small smile that came to her face at the thought. It really had been nice to see him again. It was just a shame she wouldn't see him right away once she returned home to own her time plane.

She dismissed those thoughts as she walked through the time transport and came out in the transport room. Carefully looking around, she checked to make sure that no one would know that she had come in and used the equipment. Erasing the data logs and locking the facility again, she headed back to her house.

As she opened the door to her quiet home she could see the message light blinking on her answering machine. Wondering why the person hadn't contacted her directly, she walked over to play the message.

_Mikuru-chan! Long time no see huh? I wasn't sure what time it was so I just called your house phone in case you were sleeping_

_  
_Mikuru paused at this to think the statement through, but decided to ignore it. It would probably make sense if she finished listening to Suzumiya-san's message.

_I'm still over here in Europe. It really wasn't as fun as I thought it was going to be. None of these big rock things have aliens, time travelers or ESPers. I tried to look inside them for hints or something, but stupid Kyon kept stopping me. I don't understand why he doesn't understand how to have some fun!—What are you talking about, of course you don't know how to have fun. All you do is kill other people's fun. You sound like some sort of chronically depressed robot all the time. I don't even know what to do with you, I think I'll start calling you Marvin. Anyway, shut up! I'm talking to Mikuru-chan. Well no she's not there, it's called an answering machine you dumbass. AAAGGHH—_

Mikuru waited for the telltale sounds of a defenseless man being kicked and punched into submission by an over exuberant eccentric girl to subside. Idly, she wondered how the answering machine could hold such a long message.

_Ignore Kyon, he's an idiot. I mean really, do you know what he did? All the time he just kept mumbling about something while looking at the people in blue uniforms. It got really frustrating. I wonder if he gets turned on by those now instead of maids. But we'll be coming back in a few days, I want to get everyone back together again for the SOS Brigade's monthly meeting. Oh, I got a new present for you, so make sure you're there. It's a great idea, don't you think Mikuru-chan?_

"Eep!" Mikuru stopped the recording to get her bearings straight again. She had almost hit her head on the table when she fell to the ground after that last comment. Undesired images flashed through her head as she was brought back to less enjoyable moments in her past. Slowly she regained her composure and fearlessly ventured on with the message.

_We'll probably be able to make an even bigger name for ourselves. After all, we have to work on the 10th sequel movie soon. By the way, you haven't gotten bigger again have you? Your constant wardrobe changes are really starting to take a toll. We need you to be acting and advertising, not fixing your clothes. You're the mascot, not the tailor. You're too big anyway, I'm still so jealous. How could you just keep getting bigger? It's not fair, I'm going to steal some from you next time. Just a little will do. Anyway, I'll see you in a few days Mikuru-chan. Oh, and idiot Kyon says hi._

"He heh…eh." Mikuru let her nervous laugh die out as she tried to sort through everything in the message. All she got out of it was that she was suddenly very scared of seeing Suzumiya-san and Kyon-kun again. At least Kyon-kun would be there, it shouldn't be too bad as long as he was there.

As she got ready for bed, Mikuru couldn't help but feel envious of Suzumiya-san. She really hadn't changed at all since the time she'd first abducted Mikuru. She was still the same carefree, eccentric girl she used to be. Except she'd become even more beautiful than she used to be. Everywhere she went all eyes would turn to her once she came into view. It was obvious why Kyon-kun would want to stay with someone like that.

Kyon-kun…he also had only changed for the better. His patience and resiliency had only gotten stronger over the years. But he still couldn't keep up and hold back Suzumiya-san any better than he used to. It was rather funny to see him struggle when Suzumiya-san got one of her crazy ideas and just went with it. But like always he would just resign himself and let her do what she wanted.

And through it all Nagato-san, Itsuki-kun and Mikuru kept up their roles of watching over Suzumiya Haruhi. Though all of them would readily admit that they didn't follow her around just because of duty anymore. And for Mikuru there was another, more selfish, reason she stuck around with the group.

Before going to sleep, Mikuru picked up a single picture frame from her bedside table. It had taken some work, but she had finally managed to get the picture she wanted. It was a simple picture really. Just two people smiling for a camera. Yet it was a constant reminder of why she did what she did.

After all, it's not a carrot unless it's placed right before your eyes, but still out of reach.


End file.
